Riddle Me This, Jishman

Thus, we need more DotW’s:

1.) Why is KISS the pitchmen for Dr. Pepper? Especially on their 125th anniversary, is there a reason why we need to be subjected to this?! I hope the Doctor himself is turning over in his grave.

2.) Milli Vanilli frontman thinks the duo were the scapegoats for the fraud they perpetrated. I’m sorry, were they NOT REALLY lip syncing?

“It’s not about being authentic anymore, it’s about entertaining,” says the man whose Grammy for best new artist was revoked 20 years ago — the only take-back in Recording Academy history.

No, it’s still about the music, actually, which YOU WEREN’T EVEN SINGING!

Vocal enhancements in the studio are a different matter, he says. “In pop, R&B and hip-hop, just about everyone uses some sort of processing. This has almost become part of the sound today … and people expect it.” Twenty years later, “what we were crucified for you see everywhere,” Morvan says. “Society and life and everything changes.”

Again, you weren’t being enhanced, YOU WEREN’T SINGING IT!

“Yeah, hi, Legster, Fab needs something to stand-on. Oh, even YOU don’t have something, okay great, thanks!”

Here’s what this says to me: “We have too many users and KNOW when we get the iPhone, we’ll have even more…thus, we need to see if we float a dumbass idea, how many influencers bitch enough to see if we lose people to get back to a sustainable number”. What do you think?

I can only imagine what it was like sitting in Poloroid’s board room when they made the decision to offer Lady Gaga the position of Creative Director:

CEO: “We need to do something new. Something innovative!”

All: “Yeah!”

CEO: “We’ve been at this for 100 years and all we’ve gotten is 100 years older! Especially Old Man Sutter in the corner!”

All: “Yeah!”

CEO: “Any suggestions on who it should be?”

All: “No!”

CEO’s daughter playing with crayons: “Daddy, daddy, I just got this new Lady Gaga cd!”

All: “I second the nomination!” “Lady Google, she’d be great!” “Now we’ll be connecting to a younger crowd!”

CEO: “Gaga, not Google!”

All: “WAAAAAAAHHH!!!! WE WANT GOOGLE!”

CEO: “This is why we haven’t made a good product since the instamatic!”

Really, I think my favorite line from the article was:

“The Haus of Gaga has been developing prototypes in the vein of fashion/technology/photography innovation.”

I’m sorry, what?! The. Haus. of. Gaga?!! Are you going to be saying “Gaga. Out.” whenever you leave a meeting now?

So, I have decided that I am protesting. I don’t care. This is now officially ridiculous. It used to be that we started celebrating “the most wonderful time of the year” after Thanksgiving. Then it started the week before Thanksgiving. Now, the beginning of November?!?!? Are you kidding me?! Turkeys everywhere rejoiced when they thought people would forget about them to move straight to the Christmas ham.

Not this carnivore! No, I am protesting shopping at any company that advertises this early for Christmas. Thus, here are the following stores I will be avoiding during this season, and to the people who are getting things from me, if it can only be found at these stores, too bad. You’ll be getting coal.

1.) K-Mart
2.) Zales
3.) Wal-Mart
4.) CVS
5.) Snuggies (yes, I know it’s not a store, per se, but they advertise, thus, fail!)
6.) Food Network store.

Until Christmas, my list grows. Thus, if you have additional nationwide stores I need to avoid, let me know.

So, in our world of the insane, here are just a few news items I thought the world should know about, because I’m sure no one has seen these on TV:

1.) Jon Gosselin’s belief that TV is doing more harm than good for his kids: We here at the RMTJ offices couldn’t agree more. In fact, we’d like to offer up now that any show exploiting children be removed from the air: Denise Richards? GONE! Tori Spelling? GONE! Underaged and Engaged? GONE! 16 and Pregnant? GONE! Anything on Lifetime? GONE!

I’d also like to offer up that I find the timing not even remotely interesting given that his wife would get more of a share of the profits than they would have before…despite his statement that it had nothing to do with it. We believe you here, Jon. And even if we don’t, you’ll never know. Jacka$$.

2.) Everyone’s favorite punching bag, Mike Vick, and Nike kiss and make up…or do they? - Yup, Nike is so over that jail thing. They even went so far as to give him a new contract! Wait, hang on, my assistant is calling. Didn’t give him a new contract. That should read that they didn’t give him a new contract…oh right. No, that’s my bad. They’re just giving him clothing, sneakers, jerseys and other things to help him pass the time since he won’t be passing the ball anytime soon. Oh, okay. Got it. Thanks.

Pardon me, but this one was a little public, wouldn’t you say? PR Nightmare on line one!

3.) Now for a little light, food related news: World Vegetarian Day falls during National Pork Month. Just goes to show who is more important on the food chain. Having eaten more vegetarian food in the last three years than I had in the previous 29 combined, I can honestly say I can understand the feeling that there is a Vegetarian Tax - paying more to eat vegetarian than to eat meat. That being said, when the people who make up these months are mocking your food choices, well, I don’t even know what to do to make this a joke. It is pret a porter.

Just a few stories you might not have been aware of.

In light of Kanye West’s sensitive and tactful way of showing his support for Beyonce on Sunday Night’s MTV VMAs, Barack Obama, when asked, highlighted that he thought Kanye was missing the point…actually, I think he called him a jackass:

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2009/09/obama-calls-kanye-west-jackass.html

Also, in light of the recent Beer Summit at the White House, I have decided this is something we can all get together on - conservatives, liberals, black, while, rap fan, country fan - this could be a moment of national healing! Rush Limbaugh and Al Franken could get behind this! “Kanye is a Jackass” could be almost as big a rallying cry as “Remember the Alamo” or “40 Acres and a Mule.”

Conversations like this will be happening across the US:

Candidate: “Support me, I’m running for congress.”

Voter: “Really, on what ticket?”

Candidate: “The Kanye is a Jackass ticket.”

Voter: “Here’s my wallet and I’ll be there on election day!”

I mean come on, who’s with me!?!

Many thanks to Niner McHates-You for her contributions to this post…including…well, mostly all of it.

Phann McHates-You, our International Consumer and Kitchen Electronics expert, sent us a note from the deepest and darkest depths of the deep while he attempts to uncover the secrets of the famous Katmandu Kreme Pie with the following headline:

“Cops bust Guy Selling Oven Door Disguised as HDTV”

No folks, you just can’t make this stuff up. For me, I think this deserves a double whammy: the guy selling the Oven door and the Person BUYING the oven door!

Keep those DotWs coming, folks, there’s more than a quarter of the year left and a lot of dumba$$es in the world!

This was brought to us by our California Bureau Chief, Ahhhhnold McHates-You.

…1.5 million households still were not ready for the DTV switch!?! No, I have no sympathy. No, I do not care that the government program went bankrupt or whatever happened. No, I do not care that the economy went into the tank. This has been on the books since 2002, it was delayed in 2005, and it was delayed again in January. You people are all idiots and to quote everyone’s favorite TV character, “NO TV FOR YOU!”

Yup, that’s right, folks. Our friends at Sargento have rolled out a marketing strategy that will make us all eat more persnickety cheese: National Panini Month! Oh yeah, baby! There’s our winner. If you don’t think this is a winner, then you just aren’t persnickety enough. National. Panini. Month.

This is almost as good as the Pork Industry coming up with a National Bacon Month. Next, we need a national fake food month, brought to you buy the Tofu Association.

Stupid Marketing!

That’s right folks, this is a two-for-one deal, in more ways than one.

Because as we all know, I love athletes who have multiple talents - Shaquille O’Neal as a Rapper, Harris Barton as a Rabbi, Steve Young as a Lawyer, and of course, Jose Canseco as an MMA fighter - well, apparently the big news out of Big D is the following:

“Leonard Davis, Marc Colombo and Cory Procter have signed a recording contract as part of a heavy metal band called Free Reign. Their debut album for Australia’s Riot Entertainment will be released this fall.”

Our music expert, Avi McHates-You, reports that “Free Reign’s initial albums won’t compare to such luminaries and their freshman outings as Def Leppard’s “On Through the Night”, Boston’s eponymous effort (”Boston”), Guns & Roses’ “Appetite for Destruction” and who could forget Nelson’s “After the Rain” (an album that caused comparisons to the Beatles - not kidding), but its entirely possible that you’ll be seeing this in a store and in an online venue near you.”

Thanks for that misery, Avi.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

A word from the President of the RMTJ Snarkiness Association, Snarky McHates-You, looking to respond to an article in the newspaper today:

“My Fellow Readers,

“You are no more important than anyone else at your meeting. If you are playing with your Blackberry or iPhone during a meeting, you are simply being rude.

“No, I do not care that you are a legend in your own mind. No, I do not care that you are the most important person in the room. No, I do not care that you have important emails that must be responded to. If you are in a meeting, why do you think your EMAIL is much more important? If it was truly that important, don’t you think there would be someone asking for your time, followed by a SWAT team, followed by an invasion force looking for you?

“If anything, while smartphones have given us easier access to information, they have also given us yet another reason to be more insulting and rude. You aren’t that important. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you that, but you’re not. Your level of importance is only outpaced by your level of rudeness. When someone is talking to you, listen to them. When someone is asking you a question, answer them promptly. Otherwise, you are demeaning them, and if that was your intention from the beginning, then you should not have taken the meeting in the first place.

“Thank you, and to all CEOs who think they are more important than someone else, you’re not. Stop now. You’re just continuing a vicious cycle of stereotypes about you being overpaid and out of touch.

“Sincerely,
Snarky Mc-Hates You”

…is there any way this is a joke? I mean, is it possible that the world is not going to hell in a handbasket and that Congress truly has this little to do?

Obama and some members of Congress favor a playoff-type system to determine the national champion. The BCS features a championship game between the two top teams in the BCS standings, based on two polls and six computer ratings.

Behind the push for the hearings is the subcommittee’s top Republican, Sen. Orrin Hatch of Utah. People there were furious that Utah was bypassed for the national championship despite going undefeated in the regular season.

Maybe, perhaps, we should be focusing our energy on more important things? I’m just saying…

Also, this just in, it’s an RMTJ exlcusive: Lost your NCAA bracket already? That’s okay! Now you can now keep the polling going. You can pick the world’s worst company! I know people who’ve already started it. Unfortunately, their company names are on the “not sponsored by” sections, or I’d release their name in true “McHates-You” style.

JishSis, our sarcastic reporter in our newly formed Southeast Asian bureau, bring us the following thoughts on her award winning thoughts from the road. She’s like Kerouac, only with less poetry.

I think, of all of them, my favorite my be the idiocy of number 5. Trust me, it’s worth a read. You should also enjoy the rest of her blog too. Make sure to look at the pictures too.

Because Crocodiles are apparently unable to read street signs, Florida - exhibiting greater wisdom than A-Rod coming clean on his use of drugs - has decided it’s better to put magnets on the heads of crocodiles in an effort to keep them from wandering into heavily populated areas. You see, Crocodiles use magnetic fields for navigation, thus, screw them up with magnets and we’ll all be fine. Maybe they’ll go into geriatric homes instead…who can tell?

I think we need an expert on magnets to help us out here. Someone get Skarpac McHates-You on the line…