Riddle Me This, Jishman

WTOP, the Washignton, DC all news radio station, was reporting this morning about the most expensive airports to fly from in the United States (based on a Cheapflights.com survey). The survey is very interesting for a number of reasons. In no specific order, here are some of the issues I have with survey’s like this:

1. Why only 101 airports? Far more than that offer commercial air service.

2. With three airports in the Washington, DC, New York, Los Angeles, and San Francisco areas why not also report average for the region? This would be a more realistic indicator of true choice for passengers in those markets. For example, when I fly out of Washington, I look to see the cost of flights at Regan National (DCA), Baltimore (BWI), and Dulles (IAD) all by using the code WAS (same for New York City with NYC).

3. Of the three airports in Washington, National is the “cheapest” at #23, followed by Baltimore at #74, and Dulles at #99. If you look at where flights from those airports go, you may notice that National is almost exclusively domestic flying (with some flights to Canada and the Bahamas) whereas Baltimore has limited international flights and Dulles is a major international hub for United Airlines. The more international flights an airport has, I would think the average ticket price would be higher as the result of business and first class seats being sold on international aircraft. (As a point of reference, the same can be said for New York City, with La Guardia at #9, Newark at #91, and JFK at #98).

While it is interesting that La Guardia and National (with their statutorily controlled slots) are cheaper than other area airports, what does this really tell you about air travel? There are many destinations (especially international) where you cannot get from point A to point B from La Guardia and National. If you live in a major metropolitan area, why would you chose to use those airports, regardless if they are “less expensive” if you cannot fly where you want or need to go?

Maybe next time, surveys like this will use a real methodology to actually say something about how people use these airports and not just have a blanket statement about average cost that is ultimately meaningless for most travelers.

I’ve decided I’m taking umbrage with the new Nike commercials with Puppet LeBron and Puppet Kobe (shoe!). Clearly, they stole my likeness! I mean, I know I’m a public figure and all that, but this is just getting out of hand. I mean, look at us, we’re practically the same:

Here’s me:

And here’s Kobe:

Then, they even went so far as to steal my rap:

Should I take action against Nike for all of these missteps?

Thus, we need more DotW’s:

1.) Why is KISS the pitchmen for Dr. Pepper? Especially on their 125th anniversary, is there a reason why we need to be subjected to this?! I hope the Doctor himself is turning over in his grave.

2.) Milli Vanilli frontman thinks the duo were the scapegoats for the fraud they perpetrated. I’m sorry, were they NOT REALLY lip syncing?

“It’s not about being authentic anymore, it’s about entertaining,” says the man whose Grammy for best new artist was revoked 20 years ago — the only take-back in Recording Academy history.

No, it’s still about the music, actually, which YOU WEREN’T EVEN SINGING!

Vocal enhancements in the studio are a different matter, he says. “In pop, R&B and hip-hop, just about everyone uses some sort of processing. This has almost become part of the sound today … and people expect it.” Twenty years later, “what we were crucified for you see everywhere,” Morvan says. “Society and life and everything changes.”

Again, you weren’t being enhanced, YOU WEREN’T SINGING IT!

“Yeah, hi, Legster, Fab needs something to stand-on. Oh, even YOU don’t have something, okay great, thanks!”

Here’s what this says to me: “We have too many users and KNOW when we get the iPhone, we’ll have even more…thus, we need to see if we float a dumbass idea, how many influencers bitch enough to see if we lose people to get back to a sustainable number”. What do you think?

I can only imagine what it was like sitting in Poloroid’s board room when they made the decision to offer Lady Gaga the position of Creative Director:

CEO: “We need to do something new. Something innovative!”

All: “Yeah!”

CEO: “We’ve been at this for 100 years and all we’ve gotten is 100 years older! Especially Old Man Sutter in the corner!”

All: “Yeah!”

CEO: “Any suggestions on who it should be?”

All: “No!”

CEO’s daughter playing with crayons: “Daddy, daddy, I just got this new Lady Gaga cd!”

All: “I second the nomination!” “Lady Google, she’d be great!” “Now we’ll be connecting to a younger crowd!”

CEO: “Gaga, not Google!”

All: “WAAAAAAAHHH!!!! WE WANT GOOGLE!”

CEO: “This is why we haven’t made a good product since the instamatic!”

Really, I think my favorite line from the article was:

“The Haus of Gaga has been developing prototypes in the vein of fashion/technology/photography innovation.”

I’m sorry, what?! The. Haus. of. Gaga?!! Are you going to be saying “Gaga. Out.” whenever you leave a meeting now?

So, I have decided that I am protesting. I don’t care. This is now officially ridiculous. It used to be that we started celebrating “the most wonderful time of the year” after Thanksgiving. Then it started the week before Thanksgiving. Now, the beginning of November?!?!? Are you kidding me?! Turkeys everywhere rejoiced when they thought people would forget about them to move straight to the Christmas ham.

Not this carnivore! No, I am protesting shopping at any company that advertises this early for Christmas. Thus, here are the following stores I will be avoiding during this season, and to the people who are getting things from me, if it can only be found at these stores, too bad. You’ll be getting coal.

1.) K-Mart
2.) Zales
3.) Wal-Mart
4.) CVS
5.) Snuggies (yes, I know it’s not a store, per se, but they advertise, thus, fail!)
6.) Food Network store.

Until Christmas, my list grows. Thus, if you have additional nationwide stores I need to avoid, let me know.

So, in our world of the insane, here are just a few news items I thought the world should know about, because I’m sure no one has seen these on TV:

1.) Jon Gosselin’s belief that TV is doing more harm than good for his kids: We here at the RMTJ offices couldn’t agree more. In fact, we’d like to offer up now that any show exploiting children be removed from the air: Denise Richards? GONE! Tori Spelling? GONE! Underaged and Engaged? GONE! 16 and Pregnant? GONE! Anything on Lifetime? GONE!

I’d also like to offer up that I find the timing not even remotely interesting given that his wife would get more of a share of the profits than they would have before…despite his statement that it had nothing to do with it. We believe you here, Jon. And even if we don’t, you’ll never know. Jacka$$.

2.) Everyone’s favorite punching bag, Mike Vick, and Nike kiss and make up…or do they? - Yup, Nike is so over that jail thing. They even went so far as to give him a new contract! Wait, hang on, my assistant is calling. Didn’t give him a new contract. That should read that they didn’t give him a new contract…oh right. No, that’s my bad. They’re just giving him clothing, sneakers, jerseys and other things to help him pass the time since he won’t be passing the ball anytime soon. Oh, okay. Got it. Thanks.

Pardon me, but this one was a little public, wouldn’t you say? PR Nightmare on line one!

3.) Now for a little light, food related news: World Vegetarian Day falls during National Pork Month. Just goes to show who is more important on the food chain. Having eaten more vegetarian food in the last three years than I had in the previous 29 combined, I can honestly say I can understand the feeling that there is a Vegetarian Tax - paying more to eat vegetarian than to eat meat. That being said, when the people who make up these months are mocking your food choices, well, I don’t even know what to do to make this a joke. It is pret a porter.

Just a few stories you might not have been aware of.

I am tired of swapping emails with Yahoo! I want service and not of the lip/email variety, I want results. I am therefore resorting to an open plea:

Dear Yahoo!

In 1999, I signed up for an email account with your company! It has worked nicely for most of the past decade. BUT over the past six months to a year, you have been trying to compete with other companies and much to my dismay, my satisfaction with your product is suffering greatly!

I get error codes. I send messages to you and you tell me nothing is wrong. I get another error code and I follow your directions to take a screen shot of the page but nothing ever changes. I am unable to access my email multiple times a day and it is frustrating to have to hit the refresh button ten times in a row before I can log into my email because your servers cannot support your new changes. I would love to blame IE but it happens when I log in at home on Firefox as well. It’s not them and it’s not me! Sooner or later, the problem can’t be everyone else.

(more…)

In light of Kanye West’s sensitive and tactful way of showing his support for Beyonce on Sunday Night’s MTV VMAs, Barack Obama, when asked, highlighted that he thought Kanye was missing the point…actually, I think he called him a jackass:

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2009/09/obama-calls-kanye-west-jackass.html

Also, in light of the recent Beer Summit at the White House, I have decided this is something we can all get together on - conservatives, liberals, black, while, rap fan, country fan - this could be a moment of national healing! Rush Limbaugh and Al Franken could get behind this! “Kanye is a Jackass” could be almost as big a rallying cry as “Remember the Alamo” or “40 Acres and a Mule.”

Conversations like this will be happening across the US:

Candidate: “Support me, I’m running for congress.”

Voter: “Really, on what ticket?”

Candidate: “The Kanye is a Jackass ticket.”

Voter: “Here’s my wallet and I’ll be there on election day!”

I mean come on, who’s with me!?!

Many thanks to Niner McHates-You for her contributions to this post…including…well, mostly all of it.

So, I’ve been giving more thought to this and I’ve decided Plaxico Burress got exactly what he deserved. People have been comparing what he did to what Vick did or what Stallworth did, but I think I’ve decided those comparisons - while understandable - are moot. They didn’t commit the same crime and didn’t do it in the same state - nor do their offenses even come under the same sets of rules in their OWN states. One was Federal Purjury and Interstate DOGFIGHTING and another was vehicular manslaughter. Burress took his loaded and UNREGISTERED gun, kept it with the safety off and before it discharged, no one would have given it a second thought.

He shouldn’t get a free pass, and if anything, he is lucky he ONLY got 2 years. Burress did get made an example of by the courts - as well he should! - he wants to be that example on the field, so why shouldn’t he be considered it off the field either? Children look up to you. Adults wish they could BE you. I hope you get out early, I sorely do, but you got the lesson you so richly deserve. You are not above the law.

Phann McHates-You, our International Consumer and Kitchen Electronics expert, sent us a note from the deepest and darkest depths of the deep while he attempts to uncover the secrets of the famous Katmandu Kreme Pie with the following headline:

“Cops bust Guy Selling Oven Door Disguised as HDTV”

No folks, you just can’t make this stuff up. For me, I think this deserves a double whammy: the guy selling the Oven door and the Person BUYING the oven door!

Keep those DotWs coming, folks, there’s more than a quarter of the year left and a lot of dumba$$es in the world!

Dear Mr. Goodell,

I wanted to write to you and thank you for one of the DUMBEST IDEA EVER FLOATED for the NFL:

Commissioner Roger Goodell notified teams Thursday that the draft will be spread over three days in 2010, running Thursday, April 22, through Saturday, April 24.

In addition, the first round will start in prime time at 7:30 p.m. ET.

“We continue to look for ways to make the draft more accessible to more fans,” Goodell said in a statement. “Moving the first round to prime time on Thursday night will make the first round of the draft available to fans on what is typically the most-watched night of television.”

ESPN and the NFL Network will televise the entire show.

The second and third rounds will start at 6:30 p.m. ET on April 23.

Rounds 4 through 7 will be on April 24, starting at 10 a.m. ET.

(more…)

This was brought to us by our California Bureau Chief, Ahhhhnold McHates-You.

…1.5 million households still were not ready for the DTV switch!?! No, I have no sympathy. No, I do not care that the government program went bankrupt or whatever happened. No, I do not care that the economy went into the tank. This has been on the books since 2002, it was delayed in 2005, and it was delayed again in January. You people are all idiots and to quote everyone’s favorite TV character, “NO TV FOR YOU!”