Riddle Me This, Jishman

So, my friends are having a child in a few months, and they’re already talking about baby names. The husband would prefer the names begin with either M or A. Thoughts?

(By the way, we went through a whole bunch. These letters kinda suck for names.)

GET THIS GUY!!! Fire Bradway, and get Savage!

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As the Fresh Putz is on his way to the dirty JERZ, I am posting this for him. He wants all y’all to visit Barney’s Blog (see the links) to check out the possible titles for Barney’s Book and to see his Mix tape. SO DAMN FUNNY!!!

Alright, so, I’d like to think I’m a fairly well adjusted, pleasant, nice individual. Now, I know there are people who’d disagree, but in my life, no one has gotten my goat quite like my former roommate/housemate, ADD/freak boy. Now, for people who might have forgotten about ADD boy, let me remind you:

1.) He lived here for 10 months, and for all but 2 weeks of that time, he was unemployed.
2.) He never lacked for an opinion on anything.
3.) when I first moved in, he rearranged my boxes on the porch 3 times in 3 days, and 7 times in the first 2 weeks.
4.) He was constantly smoking (cigarettes and pot) anywhere humanly possible
5.) When he did finally get a job, well, he felt the need to comment on everyone else’s inadequecies, see here. Even after he was fired, he felt the need to blame everyone else for everything that clearly was his making too.
6.) We all watched the state of the union, and while smoking outside, he felt the need to comment on everything so loudly that we could hear it from two rooms away.
7.) Even at the end, he was blaming everyone for his own inability to change his habits, see here

Well, as for why I am bringing this up. HE EMAILED ME TONIGHT!!!!! I haven’t seen him in 7 months! WHY EMAIL ME!?!?! I hate him. He’s not dating my ex-roommate. He lives out on Martha’s Vineyard with his father and sister. (Hmm…think I can lobby my assemblyman to make him illegal?) But why email me?!?!?!

I don’t know what to say. I hate…stupid…#@$#$

I need to go to sleep. I can’t deal with this. Have a happy new year everyone!

Today is my grandmother’s birthday, so even though she’s not reading this, Happy Birthday Grandma!

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Josh Quinn playing on his new guitar.

And please make all donations to the “Teaching him how to play the damn thing” fund care of “Riddle Me This Jishman”.

Alright, so riddle me this.

Let’s say for a moment, waiting on the arrivals level, there’s a cab from the same company I rented from. I walk up to the driver and say, “is this cab for me?” He asks, “are you Alvarez?” “No,” I respond of course, but thinking quickly I say, “But if you’ll take me home you can call me Clinton.” He laughes, but says, “don’t worry, your cab will be along shortly.”

Okaaaaaaaay….so, why can’t you take me given that your guy isn’t here and neither is my cab?

Where this story gets even better is when the cabbie says to me, “I can’t take you because the dispatcher won’t authorize it.” (won’t authorize what?!?!? Is this missile command??!!?)

Just wanted to rant for a moment.

Its so sad. In 2 hours….I will be leaving heaven…and back to hell. So sad.

In my eyes, there is no worse team in the NFL than the Jets.

(here’s proof: even the JETS fans at this point have stopped cheering for good Jets plays, and are now chanting Reggie (!!) Reggie — for Reggie Bush, the widely regarded best player in the upcoming NFL Draft)

True meaning of JETS: Just End The Season…

December 26th, 9 am. Eastern standard time.
From here on in, I work without a script.
See if anything comes of it, ’stead of my old shit.

First shot Rachel, signing onto the old computer she hasn’t used in 2 days…
“this won’t load.”
so she say-s.

She’s just coming back,
from 2 days avoiding the mall
“you looking at me?”
not at all…

are you ready? hold that focus steady…
tell the folks at home what you’re doing Ray-chel…

“I’m working on December 26…”

the phone rings!
strange!

zoom in on the telephone machine…
“i can’t screen”
“PANIM”

“that was a very loud beep, I can’t imagine anyone is working. Rachel, Rachel, are you there? are you working today? it’s Mom… I wanted to call & say we love you. and we’re not working today. everyone else says HA and send their love. hope you get a day off someday! just don’t waste it sleeping in, dear, and make sure you leave the house, dear. Oh and Rachel! We’re sorry to hear you are working today, I say ce la’vie. So let everyone else have all the fun… there are other holidays in the year. Love MOM!”

Tell the folks at home, what you’re doing, Ray-chel…

“I’m working on December 26…”

Often, I get asked, “Jishman, who were the best sports ‘mimics’ ever?” (Seriously, I get asked that, like, once a week.) And more often than not, I don’t answer. I hate mocking some of the “lesser mimics”. Well, today, I put the issue to bed. The best two mimics are Miles Thirst (from the Sprite Commercials) and Li’l Penny (from the Nike Commercials in the early 90s).

Seriously.

I’m not usually a fan of commercials of any kind (go Tivo!), but whenever I see a Thirst commercial come on, I have to stop the Tivo. They’re almost as good as some of the NBA commercials with the players calling the “trophy” and the Hockey commercials where the goalie is stalking the ridiculously attractive girl in very little clothing (also an Australian commercial where the guy who smokes goes to sleep in a coffin every night with a skull & crossbones on the top too, but that’s for a different reason all together).
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Sandeep on too much “Dreidel”

How fantasy football works