Riddle Me This, Jishman

But in this one, I can’t say they’re wrong. I only have one question: WHAT TOOK YOU SO DAMN LONG!?!?! No, I can’t ask that, because frequently TV executives are, in fact, the last ones to know something sucks.

Let’s look back, shall we?
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Danica McKellar, all 80s kids’ favorite, cute “nerd-ess,” wants everyone to know, Barbie/Mattel was wrong when she said her favorite quote for feminists everywhere: “Math is hard, Ken.”

“But I want to show them that being smart is cool,” she said. “Being good at math is cool. And not only that, it can help them get what they want out of life…I want to tell girls that cute and dumb isn’t as good as cute and smart,” she said.

That’s right, folks, Winnie Cooper has written a book on everyone’s favorite topic: MATH!

No, no, don’t go clamoring to your favorite bookstore for this PAGETURNER, folks, because Amazon has got your covered. I know this is going to drive Amazon’s already SKYROCKETING earnings THROUGH. THE. ROOF!

Seriously, though, contrary to popular belief, I am not female - yes yes, make your jokes here - yet, all of the math teachers I know in my age group are women! I only hope this trend continues…as apparently does Winnie Cooper/Elsie Snuffen/Danica McKellar.

“Dr. Foreman, to the 50 yard line, please.”

Seriously, you tell me there’s no similarity!

I’m watching G4 right now, and they’re broadcasting live from Comic-Con in San Diego. No, seriously, Dorks have way too much money.

“Brandon Jacobs got off to a fast start in his first training camp as the New York Giants’ No. 1 running back in place of the retired Tiki Barber.

With tears in his eyes after saying goodbye to his 5-month-old son, Brayden, Jacobs hit the gas a little too hard on Route 17 in New Jersey and got pulled over.

The police officer ran Jacobs’ license plate and knew exactly who he was going to be talking to as he approached the car.

Waiting, Jacobs hoped to get off with a warning.

“He didn’t even give me that,” Jacobs said. “He said: ‘You better run the ball this year.’”

Jacobs got the message and left without a ticket.”

I have nothing to say to this.

Driving home tonight, I heard a snippet on the radio that the Big 10 Conference is thinking about expanding now that they are starting a Big 10 Network. This got me thinking about what school would best fit into the Big 10 (to make it have 12 teams and thus be eligible for a football championship game and huge amount of cash that come along with that). The radio host suggested that Missouri would be the perfect school. While that is possible, I disagree. Here is my scenario:

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As the dominoes continue to fall…Campbell Brown leaves NBC and moves to CNN; Paula Zahn announces she’s leaving Ted Turner’s former network for parts unknown.

Pretty soon, Paula Zahn is going to replace Katie Couric, Katie will replace Dan Patrick at ESPN, Dan Patrick replaces Jay Leno, and Jishman will replace Rich Eisen at the NFL Network. And everyone is happy.

Jishman, you and the fiance have less than a year to learn this dance for your wedding!

Who agrees with me? Jishman front and center as MJ?!

And so with the arrest of one Lindsey Lohan (or L2 as I’ve been calling her), I have decided we need to have a new induction into the DotW: Hall of Shame. So far, our candidates are:

(drumroll, please)

1.) Lindsey Lohan - that’s right folks, the former redhead now has managed to quit drinking, and instead has taken up, wait for it…..DRUGS - cocaine to be specific -that’s right folks! I don’t care that she was wearing a bracelet to prove she wasn’t drinking, she didn’t get busted for that. Making bad movies? Nope. Having a recording deal when she couldn’t sing? Didn’t stop Mick Jagger. It was DRUGS! D-R-U-G-S! That’s right! Thus….she’s our first contestant on the Dumbass-express!

2.) Britney Spears - That’s right folks, first, having two of K-Fed’s kids (but who hasn’t these days?). Then, drinking too much (see above). Then, shaving her head. After that, proving that therapy and rehab clinics do nothing for Hollywood stars, going out and partying like its 1999. Once that was done, she decided it was time to rehab her image so she went on stage with a Pussycat Dolls imitation band. Once that was done, she did a mea culpa for her fans again and vowed to cleanup her act….until this! That’s right folks, a DISASTROUS photo shoot. We go to our newest reporter from the McHates-You clan, Niner, with this opinion:

“Thank you, Jishilypuff. As you well know, Brit-Brit has been a punchline around our dinner table for some time, but now its possible she has done the impossible: Made K-Fed look like the MATURE and RESPONSIBLE one.

“Her fall from grace has exceeded that of stars like TO, Tim Donnaghy (another punchline right now, if only because we didn’t follow his bets!), Bill Parcells, Joe Gibbs, Isaiah Thomas (Zeke!) and David Hasselhoff! She was a huge star. Then she got married, then, annulled that marriage. She denied ever having sex with JT (as we call Senior Timerlake here in Motown), which we later found out was not true. Then she got married again…to K-FED (he of the rapping commercial). The Dumassery is just amazing. She’s a tired punchline and has had the biggest fall of all. I can’t imagine anyone having a bigger fall from grace.

“But that’s just me. Give it time, I’m sure they’ll be more…oh look, another story on Mike Vick. Back to you Jishy.”

Ahem, thank you, Niner. We look forward to more penetrating insights from you in the future.

What do you think? Leave it here.

And in the continuing saga of “As the Dumbass Turns” (to be seen on NBC this fall, right after “The Dumbass & the Beautiful” and “Beauty and the Dumbass”), we find Lindsey Lohan, a world famous dumbass in her own right, having recently checked out of rehab has now been ARRESTED FOR A DUI! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen! Lindsey Lohan has done the expected, gotten in trouble again!

5 years from now, here is what we’ll be saying:

1.) Britney does Playboy.
2.) Lindsey Lohan does porn.
3.) Paris who?
4.) The NY Jets are your Super Bowl champions!
5.) The Governor Schwarzenegger Library is open for business!

I heard this on the radio this morning:

Brittney Spears applies to be a cocktail waitress at a trendy LA….

“She filled out the application - her work history, address, social security number - and then went to a back room to interview with the manager,” says the insider, though another club insider denies this. “Everyone thought she was joking, but she seemed dead serious.”

Wow! That album due out in December must really suck if she has already started looking for new careers!!!

Having said she is going to change her ways after being thrown in the “big house”:

First, she goes partying THAT SAME NIGHT until 4am.

Second, she announces she’s going to release her second album.

Please, stop the madness!

I never had an allowance as a child. Chores were an expectation of everyone in the household while I was growing up. The Catch-22 on this philosophy is that when I asked for things when I was a kid, my mom would ask me if I had money? And if she didn’t ask me if I had my own money, I would get a lecture on how money doesn’t grow on trees, etc.

Flash forward many, many years and my five year-old son (soon to be six…just a reminder for his godfather) starts talking to me about earning an allowance. I almost went down that road my mother went down with me many years ago, “Chores are an expectation of everyone in the household” but I didn’t. My wife has been telling me that our son cannot go into a store without asking for a new toy, etc. This in turn, gets the two year-old revved up for wanting things and what turned into a simple trip to the store for milk turns into a nasty battle over the latest toy or ice cream or a candy bar, etc. It is draining.

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I think its safe to say there was no one in my family (or of my friends) who was as excited about the Transformers movie, that having been said though, I was away for the July 4th week, and thus I missed the premiere. On the other hand, I hate paying for movies, so I was in a bit of a bind……eh, who am I kidding. I was ECSTATIC to see this movie and would have paid - within reason - virtually any price to see it.

First of all, the review, Sujal over at Fatmixx commented that the dialog was terrible, the computer graphics were sometimes awesome, and it was your typical Michael Bay movie (summary). Well, he was basically right on with that. As for my review, I liked the movie, it was good, but what really struck me was how Michael Bay, Roberto Orci, and Alex Kurtzman (the latter two of M:I3 and Alias fame) were able to mix elements for long time fans of the cartoon (aka Generation 1 Transformers) and new fans who were just seeing this for the first time. The writers didn’t keep everything from the original series and movie, nor did they change everything. I just found it impressive that they were able to do so much with the pressure of 20 years riding on their shoulders.

The bad: Well, I never really felt connected to the characters (except - barely - Bumblebee - seriously, he shot the bad guys with one leg blown off!). For this movie, it was a lot like the first X-Men movie where the focus was on Rogue, Magneto and Wolverine). For this movie, it was like the focus of this movie was ensuring that Spike (Sam) Witwicky got some with “attractive actress number 1″ (Megan Fox), that “attractive actress number 2″ (Rachael Taylor) showed that math and computers are not too hard for women (also that Anthony Andersen is hilarious), and that we were assured that our government was hiding something from us (Section 7?!? What?!??!). And from the robots perspective, the Autobots won’t hurt us (and can hide in plain sight) while the Decepticons were mute and hellbent on destruction. Okay, that’s fine.

The moral of this story is: I’m glad I saw it on the big screen, in as much as I am glad that I saw the Matrix and Star Wars movies on the big screen. Outside of that, my geekdom has been satisfied. Go see it if you are like me and loved the show and the original program (which my grandfather graciously took me to see when I was 11, knowing how much I wanted to see it). If you’re not like me or can wait (or have a kick ass entertainment system), then wait.