Riddle Me This, Jishman

I want to apologize to all my loyal readers as RMTJ goes off line for the weekend for my upcoming wedding. See you on the other side when I will….stay my same name. Well, that was anti-climactic.

Now, we all know I have a history of mocking complaining football players, but Chad Johnson just takes the cake.

First of all, Chad, disgruntled means: “displeased and discontented; sulky; peevish.” I’ll give you a hint, since you say you don’t know what it means. Its you. Plain and simple. You want another example, Terrell Owens in 2005. That’s right. You and he are peas in a pod. You don’t think you’re making enough money? This just in, you’re making plenty of money. You signed a contract. Play it out. Don’t insult the organization (one that you KNOW to be punitive, at that too!) in public. Take it behind closed doors, and try to work something out.

Second of all, “I’m here to win.” Oh really? “I wouldn’t have let me go either.” Well, its good to see a football player with a brain. You’re one of the NFL’s top 5 receivers of the last 5 years. What possible motivation do you have? “Whether you like me…whether you love me…I’m here to win.” This just in, to quote Air Supply, we’re all out of love.

CJ, just shut up and play. Seriously, just shut up and play. You’re making over 5 million a year. I can promise you, no one cares about how “little” you’re making.

We all remember the line from Varsity Blues… “I don’t want your life!” (okay, teeange girls and jishman remember the line)

Anyway, apparently people want this guys life. He put it up for bid on ebay and the bidding currently stands at $2.2 million… say what?!

So I ask my RMTJ readers, what would your life go for on EBAY?! I am guessing mine would go for a bottle of Coke and some Pop Rocks… hmmmmmm

As my most loyal fans remember, back in April 2006, I wrote my review of young Mr. Geiger’s first album, Underage Thinking. Back then, I said: “Teddy Geiger’s album, ‘Underage Thinking’, has that enjoyable mix of folky guitar songs of Mayer, piano stylings of Gavin DeGraw, and straight “classic” rock hits like Train. Plus, every so often, it surprises you with a few funky licks like Maroon 5.” And I still think it. His first album had a good mix of modern and classic rock stylings with a creative use of piano and guitar licks. In particular, I came to like the songs “These Walls” and “Possibilities” in addition to the radio hit, “For You I Will.”

With his second album, Teddy Geiger is trying to trade in his youthful, high-school sound of “Thinking” for newer sounds, but what really drew my interest is that it basically going to be a popularity contest amongst the “Tedheads” - aka his fan base. Yes, that’s right, he is putting all the songs he’s deciding between on his website (http://www.teddygeiger.com) for his fans to choose from - all 33 of them.

Now, as any intrepid reporter would, I sat and listened to each and every song with my music experts, the brothers John, Paul, George and Ringo McHates-You and their sister, Yoko, to get a sort of RMTJ Roundtable on what we thought. For the most part, we all agreed that Geiger has kept the breathy, airy voice, but scrapped the kind of musical coherence that made his first album pleasant to listen to. The songs had some odd chord structures and unlike “Thinking,” the lyrics felt like they were written by a teenager (which, I suppose he still is). The only song I genuinely liked was “Torn Photograph.” All the rest were simply pedestrian.

I still like his music, I just wonder if he’s trying to do too much. None the less, vote on the songs if you’re interested. (FYI - not surprisingly, Yoko didn’t like any of his music.)

Yup, that’s right, Olympiads. You will now be able to find KUNG PAO CHICKEN in Beijing during the Olympics. And, yes, you will be able to order it….in English. I’d say it’ll be like ordering peanuts at a baseball game, but a little more messy. It does make you wonder though, isn’t the foreign version a little different from the domestic version of native Chinese food?

So, as many of my loyal RMTJ readers know, I am getting married in ten days. And as a “recovering teen mix maker,” I decided I needed to throw a request out to my wonderfully supportive readers, so here it is:

What songs would you NOT play if you were making a wedding “mix”? Here are some I came up with:

1.) Promiscuous Girl by Nelly Furtado
2.) How I love to hate you by Erasure
3.) Life’s a bitch by Shooter
4.) Smack that by Akon
5.) I’m in love with a stripper
6.) Love in an Elevator by Aerosmith
7.) Anything by Alanis Morrisette
8.) The Thrill is gone by BB King
9.) Rich Girl by Hall & Oates
10.) You’ve lost the lovin’ feeling by Tom Cruise and Goose
11.) Number One by Kanye West and John Legend
12.) I Need a Lover (who won’t drive me crazy) by John Mellancamp
13.) Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-lot
14.) Roses by Outkast
15.) What have I done to deserve this? by Pet Shot Boys
16.) Crazy by Seal

Thoughts?

Our roving Italian reporter, Vicenzo McHates-a-Youah, reports that the even Italian men don’t know how to iron or do dishes. He especially highlighted the irony of taking his ex-girlfriend from the pub and forcing her to do dishes and iron his clothes. Really??!? I don’t even know what to say to this.

I wish I were lying. I’m sure the Sausage Race in Milwaukee seems pretty ridiculous, but taking beds to the streets? Really?

Thousands of people are set to take to the streets of Knaresborough on Saturday to watch the town’s 40th annual bed race.

Around 50 teams will take part, pushing specially adapted beds through the town and across the River Nidd to the finishing line.

Really? They know that beds were not meant to go on water, right?

This year’s special guest will be supermarkets boss Sir Ken Morrison.

Backed by the Knaresborough Lions, the event is expected to raise thousands of pounds for charity.

Okay, no, seriously, this must be mocked. A supermarket boss is the “special guest”? Is that like Abe Frohman as the special guest at the Sausage Race? I mean, who’s with me here?

And where are our British friends to defend this?

This past weekend terp20 and I took our 5 and a half old daughter, Smiley McHappy, to Florida to meet her great-grandparents. In the large pile of gear we hauled with us was the Baby Bjorn. Smiley likes being in it and I figured I could use it to hold her on the plane. We tested it out at home and was pleased to see that I was able to sit/slouch and let Smiley lay up against my chest without holding her.

When it was our boarding group’s turn to get on (apparently flying with an infant doesn’t let you get on the plane first with AirTran) I load it into the Bjorn and we get on the plane. Where the flight attendant informs me that Smiley cannot be strapped into the Bjorn. Because during takeoff, turbulence, or a crash the Bjorn might crush her bones. Um, have you seen a Baby Bjorn? It’s not made of steel. And its more likely during turbulence she could fall off my lap then get “crushed” by the super hard cloth padding of the Bjorn.

So we sat her on my lap and 2 sec before take off we strapped her in, where she fell asleep and my arms didn’t. What a freaking stupid rule.

Tim Russert died today at age 58. I’ll be writing more later, but its safe to say, Russert made quite the impact on NBC News viewers over the last 17 or so years. Sunday morning news won’t be the same for some time.

Look at the photo credit: Dana Starr

Yup, that’s right. That’s my cousin. Go, Dana!

No, I’m sorry, this must be mocked mercilessly. This comes to us by our roving reporter, Todd McHates-You. Normally, he’s on the Boston beat, but you never know where a good story will come from.

I was at Costco the other day with Terp20 and I saw a guy on his motorcycle… at Costco. Why would you take a motorcycle to Costco? What was he going to buy???

After a Super Bowl victory and a fifteen year, hall of fame career, Michael Strahan has decided to retire!

We raise a glass and drink a toast to one of the most jovial and charasmatic NFL players of the past twenty years who was just a great player. Next stop: Canton!

Rachael Ray fan pushes the boundaries of body art.